CCT Presents: The Tale of the Spider

The Universe Does Like Me

I don't think a lot of people know who Isaac Marion is so lemme 'splain: He is the author of "Warm Bodies", a strange, apocalyptic take on Romeo and Juliet where a zombie saves a human girl and slowly learns how to live again.... literally. I picked up this book after I saw the trailer for the movie way back in 2013. You know, that one with Nicholas Hoult in the red jacket that everyone was calling "a zombie version of Twilight"? Yeah, that one. When I saw it I thought, "Huh, this looks weird and cool. Let's give the book a shot."

I read it in less than a day. I sat at work flipping through the pages between helping customers. Needless to say, I loved it and I have reread it numerous times and underlined my favorite lines. Like this one...

"The burning red taste of blood floods my mouth. The sparkle of life sprays out of his cells like citrus mist from an orange peel, and I suck it in."

It's gory but, like.... beautiful??? I know it's a cliche thing to say, but Marion has a way with words and I wish I could write like him.

The book brings up terrific questions about life and what it means to be human. It makes you appreciate things like airplanes and Pad Thai. And it's funny.

It also has a special place in my heart because I read it when Skippy was on deployment. On some nights, I'd read random chapters to help me get to sleep.

Skippy just left last Friday for another deployment, so for such a post to appear on my Facebook feed was very, VERY strange. I had to learn more about it.

Cinderella had a coffee shop to drive to. 

I quickly threw on some real pants, wrung out my hair as best as I could so it wouldn't soak my shirt, snorted some Nasonex to tame my allergies- BTW screw you, California weather- and set out on an adventure in my yellow bumblebee of a car.

My right eyeball hasn't been quite right since the day Skippy's Welcome Home banner scratched my cornea. "Seek out Optometrist" is on my to-do list.

Behold the magical disappearing and reappearing coffee mug!

We talked for the next hour about random stuff. How he's currently living in a van (not down by the river!), how he thinks RV parking prices are too expensive, sink baths, and which canned beers actually taste good. I showed him pictures of me as a zombie in the haunted house I'm working in and said if he was in town for another night, I could get him in for free. We agreed Aztecs should not wield chainsaws. I was the only person who showed up to the meetup.

Though I'm horrible at talking to new people, it was really nice to sit down and talk about life with someone. It's so hard... actually it's impossible to find people in California who aren't afraid to open up and share their opinions. That's just not something they do. It's annoying.

So thank you, Isaac Marion, for a much needed night of conversation. Thank you for signing my books and spelling "joining" wrong. Thank you for making me get off my bitter ass and for showing me San Diego does have good things to offer. I'll probably frequent that coffee shop now because the employees are friendly and they have a giant beer selection.

And thanks for the advanced reader's edition of "The Burning World"! I'll post a crappy cartoon review about it!!

Timothy the Shaman

There's a couple little things that happened along the way from Texas to California, but I HAVE TO get this out of my system. You're all in for a real treat. 

When we got to California, we booked a hotel over in La Jolla. We would apartment hunt all day and at night, there was a fire pit at the hotel bar we'd hang at, unwind, and just watch people. Good god, we saw some losers. There was one asshole we called "Caterpillar Eyebrows"...

Skippy's parents taught him good. I learned that night  that on the occasions Skippy calls me an idiot (jokingly), it's not because I'm female. It's because I truly am being stupid. I respect that.

Later on he went to the restroom and I spent my moment alone looking up places to live on Zillow and this happened....

In that moment the Jersey Devil doth possessed the ounce of soul left in my body. I was two drinks in and everyone knows if you give a Jersey girl a drink, she's gonna punch a bitch if you don't hold her back.

The boss lady at the head of the fire pit was impressed and thanked me for standing up to the drunk little caterpillar.

Then Skippy came back and learned all about the redhead comment. He was smooth as peanut butter about the entire situation. My raging Jersey yang was in desperate need of his Southern gentleman yin.

Between his comment about the woman being in charge of a company and telling the guy, "This woman here stuck with me through a 9 month deployment and that's how I knew she was the one," I've never been so proud and so attracted to a person. I highly recommend everyone finds their own, personal Skippy. A "Skippy" is the best person you will ever come across in your life and you should keep them around forever.

And then he tried to mess with the caterpillar...

And this is where I learned I wouldn't like California because good god, did I see some obnoxious, snotty drunks. We didn't even have a place to live yet and I was already counting the days when we'd leave the state.

Sorry locals, you can tell me "You're going to love it here" all you want, but I don't. I can't. I am Team Northeast for life, you walking pieces of wax fruit.

At the end of the night, Caterpillar left his phone and wallet on the table, but Skippy was noble enough to collect them and chase the guy to the elevator. I mean, we were kind of drunk but this jackass was so deep down in the bag, he didn't even recognize his own personal belongings. It took Skippy a couple tries to make the man realize...

I'm proud to say we, some 20 something "kids", are more responsible and more mature than a middle aged man. He had a presentation to give the next morning and I hope he bombed it. I've met losers, but this guy was a neo-maxi-zoom LA - HOO - ZA - HURR that couldn't hold his daiquiris. He deserves to wake up with mud on his dick and not know where it came from.

But there was one night... one night (I think it was the next night) we had a close encounter with a strange, other worldly creature. He wandered out of the shadows, a cluster of trinkets clinking from his puca shell necklace he bought for $20 (so said the price sticker still on it), a beat up guitar that was horribly painted, and some kind of hillbilly hat upon his egg head.

We soon found out we were in the presence of a shaman. Gather round the fire, my good people while I tell you the tale of our encounter with....

No joke, he came out of the wild darkness and, legit, threw his face mere centimeters from the fires to light a crinkled cigarette he retrieved from his back pocket.

And he was stoned off his gourd.

I was really curious where he got the deer bones yet a part of me said that was best to be kept a mystery.


And he told us the most entertaining tales I'd ever heard....

And as if the night couldn't get any more bizarre, this thing appeared....

We wondered if she might throw something whether it be her luggage or herself. This happened about three more times. I don't think she actually checked out.

We were out there until three in the morning listening to Timothy the Shaman's wild adventures. We got to see his "artwork", hear his theories on how the government is controlling the weather and viruses, and how he was in the army for a short time.

Skippy is friends with him on Facebook. Now whenever I'm in a bad mood or feel like I'm not doing much with my life, I just go to Timothy's page and scroll through his pictures (which are all available to the public). I guess, in some form, Timothy the Shaman is a healer of negative emotions. Because his pictures make me laugh.

Last I heard he was given the title of "Purple Dragon Shamanic Healer". It's exactly what you think it is. I wish him well on his quests.

The Bellagio (Crappy Vacation pt. 2 1/2?)

A quick story I've wanted to put up about a moment that happened in Las Vegas.

Everyone knows about the fountains outside of the Bellagio Hotel. About every half an hour, they'll come to life and dance along to a song, be it classical music, opera, Broadway, and others.

We were nearby and the next show was starting soon. I wormed my way through the crowd hopping over drink coolers trying to find a good spot. I found a place near the center. 

Slowly, the black lake came to life. A song faded up and the crowd went silent. I recognized it as Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds by the Beatles. 

THIS. This was my favorite part of the trip. New Orleans was fun, and I finally got to see the Grand Canyon, and the Pacific Ocean, but watching the fountains was more... personal. I felt like Rapunzel finally getting to see the lanterns. For years and years and years, I dreamt of walking the strip where there was a Cirque du Soleil show on every block; that one day I'd be standing in front of the famous "O" sign in front of the Bellagio hotel.

And there I was, thinking how much smaller the lake looked and how much higher the fountains could shoot compared to what I saw on TV. I couldn't take pictures because I was in so much awe and so wrapped up in the moment. The rest of the world disappeared. Out of the millions of people who watched the fountains that day, no one enjoyed them more than I did. Because I was living in a moment where a dream came true. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds will always hold a greater meaning now. I'll never listen to it again without smiling.