In Which I Got Wired Off Some Really Strong Coffee

I feel like I need to make a disclaimer because this post involves me driving while chemically altered by coffee. COFFEE. Nothing else. I use terms like "coked up cheetah" and "tripping balls" to describe just how alert I felt and was not actually coked up or tripping balls or a cheetah. I would have called Skippy or AAA for a ride home if I was too hopped up to drive.





I had to the take my car to the dealership for a routine checkup and get whatever the heck was squeaking to stop. I love this place. The guy who runs the shop is super cool. He hooks you up with a complimentary sandwich from the cafe and explains everything he did to your car to get it to run like it was made yesterday. My car's getting up there in years but I swear it actually holds more gas now than it did a year ago.

I go to the cafe and, well, I had the "Give A Mouse A Cookie Syndrome". By that I mean, "If you give a Jirr a sandwich, she's going to need something to drink." The conversation went as followed:

Me: Do you by chance take card?
Cafe Guy: What do you mean?
Me: Credit or Debit. I was wondering if I could get a cup of coffee.
Cafe Guy: Oh, we just do cash but here, I'll make a fresh pot for ya.
Me: (Apologetically) I don't have cash though.
Cafe Guy: Don't worry about it. It's on the house.

This cup was LEGIT. Like Starbucks Venti. I took the first sip and got a shell from a bean. When I finished it, it was like the sludge you find at the bottom of a Greek Coffee. Only I was drinking a 7-Eleven Slurpee size instead of a small espresso cup like you're supposed to.

I had a lovely time sipping my coffee, reading my book, and watching the snow fall while I waited for my car. It was relaxing....

Then it all went to hell an hour later.

It felt like my brain turned into a hive of bees. Everything was vibrating in my body and I couldn't stop shaking my legs. I was wired. A BAD wired.

I had about 200 pages left in the book I was reading. It took me an hour to finish it. It also helped the story was really good. I highly recommend reading "Angelfall" by Susan Ee. Great dialogue and there's a schizophrenic mother that I absolutely adore. It takes a dark turn toward the end so be prepared for icky descriptions. It's so gross, pretty much all the characters throw up. I'll definitely order the other books in the series though.

Getting back on track.

For those who have experienced that altered state of consciousness whether it be from drinking or that laughing gas from the dentist's office, you know that moment you realize you're off and you try to act as normal as possible but fail? You analyze every movement or response you make and wonder if that's a thing you always do- yeah, I was at that point. I should not have been interacting with the public. I work better in isolated environments regardless of my state of mind.

So when I finally got my car back and they explained all the work done, I didn't really take in what was being said. I mainly heard "Oil changed, tires good, squeak is not a safety concern." I did a lot nodding and a lot of "Awesome! Cool! Yeah cool! That's cool! Shibby!"

And whatever was in that coffee, they must have poured that into my car because it handles snow like a boss.

I still have the squeak though. I'll keep an ear on it but at least they didn't find anything wrong in that area.

So the work is done and my caffeine high is still going stronger than a Silverback Gorilla and I'm hoping to god I can drive home.

I tested the waters by doing a lap around the parking lot. And I was aware of EVERYTHING. Thank god because it was snowing like mad whoa and people get stupid on the road. My senses were so heightened I was confident I could beat Spiderman in a duel.

Random: Based on a quick Google search, it says drivers hopped up on caffeine have a 63% reduced chance of crashing.

Instead of going straight home I went over to bother Skippy at work because he was only a few minutes down the road. I felt like if we got something to eat, I would simmer down a bit.

After what was probably the shittiest, greasiest (most greasy???) pizza I've had in years, I felt better about getting on the highway. By the time I got home, my hands were still shaking from the caffeine and I was afraid this "trip" would last well into the night. Then I had an idea:

For reals though. Six hours.

Beer is a depressant. It slows down your central nervous system. Mine was going the speed of a coked up cheetah. I broke out an IPA and nursed it twenty minutes straight. And you know what?

"E.T., it's working!"

My eyes still feel like they're open wider and it's a lot warmer in the house than usual, but the jitters are close to gone. Now I'm sipping water in hopes to flush out my system and get back to normal.

I'm thinking of switching to chai for a little while.