Crappy Cartoon Theatre By Jirr Burns: 2015

Some of you may have seen the posts on the Facebook page. This was the most annoying, but entertaining problem I've ever had with customer service. I learned never to get Trans-Siberian Orchestra apparel and event tickets in the same order. Because it will get screwed up like nothing had ever been screwed up before.

It started in September. Trans-Siberian Orchestra (TSO for short) was having their pre-sale to club members. Living up north, tickets sell out FAST so I was on my computer hitting the refresh button over and over the moment 10AM hit.

I scored tickets in under five minutes. Excellent seats too, six rows away from the stage. Now, this band always gives back to the cities they stop at on their tour. They always donate to local charities, they give free song downloads to their fans, and they have a lot of fun on stage. So I'm not afraid to spend the extra $$ on them because I know they're going to do good things with it. So I bought 3 TSO club t-shirts in the same order.

This is where it fucked up.

A month passed and it clicked in my brain, "Hey, I didn't get my stuff yet, but I know I got an email saying it shipped."

After Sherlock Holmes'ing the shit out of it, I saw they typed out my address in every wrong way possible. There was no building or apartment number. I'm surprised my name was right. #Jullian. The first thing I did was call UPS to find out where everything was. The conversation went a little something like this:

"Good afternoon, this is Jessica, how may I help you?"
"Hi, I was supposed to get a package a week or two ago and it hasn't arrived. Would you be able to tell me the status of it?"

I proceeded to give her all the information I had on it and informed her that the address on it was wrong and needed to be changed. Mind you, "Jessica" sounded like a nasally valley girl who had about a 1.5 GPA, and I'm being generous with that number.

Jessica: "Yeah, the only thing I have on that was it was returned to sender. The address is listed as [insert street], R-I, [insert zipcode]. Like, what is R-I? Is that Reno or something?"

THIS IS WHEN MY TONE CHANGED.

Me: "Ummm... it's the state? You know, RHODE ISLAND STATE? In America?"
Jessica: "Oh...Okay... Yeah, once it's returned to the sender, there's nothing we can do. You'll have to contact the people who shipped it originally. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
Me: ".....NOPE. Bye." *Click*

Fast forward, the TSO customer service rep was very nice and corrected everything that needed to be corrected. She notified me that the t-shirts would be sent out immediately and the tickets would soon follow.

Awesome.

But wait, it gets stupider.

I ordered 3 shirts. They sent one. I don't remember her name but she remembered me. We'll call her Amy.

Me: *Dials 800#*
Amy: "Tickets Express, how may I help you?"
Me: "Hi, me again. Was calling to let you know they sent the wrong number of shirts."
*Proceeds to give information*
*Hears typing* *Pause* *Giggling*
Amy: "Oh my god, I am so sorry."

She continued to laugh about the absurdity of the situation while she put 2 more shirts up for shipment. I got the 2 other shirts. All that was left were the tickets.

It gets even stupider.

I wait, and I wait, and I wait and no tickets. The show is two weeks away and usually I get them by the middle of October. I knew something was wrong and feared the worst. So I contacted the ticket customer service department.

Here's the email exchange. This is the best part.

I first decided to go with a firm, but understanding approach in order to stress the urgency of the situation.

ME:
LISTS NAME, EVENT, RECEIPT #, ALL THAT HAPPY CRAP THEY NEED

Considering shipping errors I have dealt with in the last month (address info missing, merchandise missing from package), I have not received my tickets and would like to set up a way to pick them up at the Dunkin Donuts Center box office as soon as possible. This is the first time in 15 years going to TSO I have had this many difficulties. I understand once tickets are shipped, the USPS is responsible for the delivery, but a tracking number would have been very helpful. "Tickets shipped via US First Class Mail (no delivery confirmation) does not provide a valid tracking number." - from the email that was sent Nov 17th saying everything was shipped.

SCOTT:
Hello,
Your tickets shipped on 11.17.2015 via US First Class Mail, which does not provide a valid tracking number.

As noted in your order confirmation email:

"The tracking number displayed on your shipping confirmation email only confirms your order has left our facility. This information is not passed to USPS and tracking is not available."

The tickets shipped to:

[INSERT ADDRESS STUFF]
[WRONG BUILDING, NO APT #]
[CITY] RI (RENO??) [ZIPCODE]
USA

Thank You,
Scott
Ticketing Customer Service Department

He went into company policy about lost and undelivered tickets, hours of operation, and stuff which just made me believe he was a robot. At least he gave me another 800# I could call to set up will call at the box office.

At this point I was livid because I thought the address bullshit was fixed. As Thorin would say, "NEVER HAVE I BEEN SO WRONG."

I emailed Scott back. I didn't even bother with a greeting this time...

That's the wrong address again. I called and corrected that last month when one of the shipments was returned to the sender.

Correct address should read as followed:

[INSERT CORRECT ADDRESS HERE]

Thank you for providing me the phone number.

SCOTT:

Hello,

Your address has been changed.

......

And this was the part where I got their attention.

ME:

Greetings Scott,

Attached to this email is a drawing of my face upon reading your most recent email. I made it on MS Paint just for you. :D

ToScott_ADoodle

I appreciate you correcting my address today, but unless your service department has a time machine lying around, the incorrect address is still etched upon the envelope in which the postal service is attempting to deliver to. I have a good feeling their quest will not be fruitful. Unless you, Scott, get thee to a TARDIS and appear before my mail lady, sonic screwdriver extended to rearrange the ink upon the papers. If you can do this, bring a banana and a nice little hat.

Scott... my good man, I am disappointed. You make me feel like a withered king upon his throne, hand upon his aching head wondering how his kingdom has fallen. For shame! to cause such distress to fair, unemployed damsels.

You tried Scott, I know you tried. Your battle has ended. As for me, I must face the great and powerful keepers of the 800 number. Wish me luck. And one more thing Scott, good tidings to you and your family. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I hope you win the lottery.

A loyal customer,

Jillian, ex-soap seller, mediocre blogger, and goose wrangler.

I describe my tone as "Dickish but entertaining".

I waited the entire day, checking back every hour anxious to see how Scott would react. As I wrote in the comment section on Facebook, "I don't think Scott wants to talk to me anymore. He's usually pretty on top of emails."

That night I got this email. It was from Priscilla this time.

Hello,

As Scott's supervisor I apologize for his error.
At this point, we have set your 3 tickets up for Will Call pick up at the Dunkin' Donuts Center's box office window.
If the tickets are returned to us as undeliverable in time, we will reship them via UPS to the address we now have on file at no charge.
If the tickets remain at Will Call, you will need to bring a picture ID and a copy of the order confirmation e-mail to pick up the tickets. They will be available for pick up starting 2 hours before the show.

Thank you,
Priscilla
Ticketing Customer Service Department

This was the moment I threw my head back laughing so hard, I hurt my neck. Sometimes you just gotta be a dick to get what you want.

But wait, it gets better.

The next day, I get this email:

Hello,

We are writing to inform you that your tickets to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra show were returned to us on Tuesday, 12.8.2015.

We will magically be shipping your tickets via UPS 2nd Day Air Delivery today. You should be receiving your tickets by the end of the day on Thursday, 12.10.2015.

Hence, we have removed your order number from the Will Call list. Enjoy the show!

Thank you,
Ticketing Customer Service Dept.

I got them to use words like "Hence" and "Magically".

As a thank you, I drew them a picture and wrote back....

Hello,

I had my doubts. I thought I was speaking to machines. I thought there was a computer in some cold, dark room picking out keywords from my messages and spitting out automatic responses it deemed appropriate. Never have I been so wrong. You all went above and beyond to help me.

As a thank you, I've drawn another picture of the team as wizards in training. Headmaster Priscilla is allowing Scott to do the honors of dropping the tickets into the cauldron.

Happy Holidays

Jillian

Of course, UPS had to fuck up just one more time and instead of arriving two days later, it took three. But I got them. And this was on the back of the envelope:

Obviously Scott's work. He got thee to a TARDIS and even made sure to bring a banana and a nice little hat.

I'd like to think we all made each other smile.

First off, I'd like to say I'm sorry and it's not just for the lack of posts. I'm apologizing not only to you, the people who read my posts, but to all the characters living in my brain. Actually, to one character in particular. I promised I wouldn't put him on the back burner and I did. I was telling myself and my character, "I think about the story every day. I haven't forgotten about you."

But thinking about it is not enough. It's sitting down and actually putting the words on the page that matters the most.

All of my focus shifted to my job, moving up in the company, wanting to make that extra buck. Unfortunately, all that hard work was not paying off. I've been absolutely miserable these last few months and when I finally realized that, it was too late.

I won't go too deep into it, but basically, I came home one night and broke down. I fought to the point I couldn't fight anymore. I was working myself sick and that had to stop.

What really pissed me off is I lost NaNoWriMo and that has NEVER happened!

So I quit my job.

I know, I know. The smart thing to do in these hard times is to always have another job lined up. Well, I do have another job. THIS job. It doesn't pay as well, but then again, neither did the last one.

I worked in retail. There are a thousand people that can take my place in a heartbeat. I don't want to work in retail the rest of my life. It's a dead end. More importantly, there are stories out there that need to be written and there are pictures that need to be drawn and I am the only one that can make them. I want a job where I am irreplaceable and that is right here. I want a job that I enjoy. And when you enjoy something a lot, you actually won't have to work another day in your life.

So starting this week, I will be working my ass off getting healthy, getting into a routine, and making my work known. No more back burners. The pan is hot and ready and I'm going to cook up something really good.