CCT Presents: The Crappy, Fictitious Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties.

There's a song mentioned in this one some of you might not know so here's the link to it.

Russian Sex Geckos In Space

Should this be a thing? I could probably turn this into a thing.

We Got HOZE'D

See what I did thar? I did a play on words and combined "We got hosed" with "Hozier". Because Hozier is an evil wizard.

My mother is at war with the US Postal Service.

My friend Courtney's car almost turned into a pancake.

Here's the story!

That's October of 2014 to be specific.

Don't worry, they still found stuff to do in Atlanta.

You couldn't have been nursing a hangover. You're like 9ft tall. Andre the Giant had to drink like 80 cans of beer just to catch a buzz.

I've only been to Montreal. That's the closest to a European experience I've had. Besides that, I've never left the east coast.

Meat Land: It sucks the life out of her body and soul.

 Fedex for life now, baby.

The word "Squeezle" looks weird because I was trying to decide how to spell it. "Squesel"? "Squeasel?" "Squweasel?" Weasel + Squeeze.

Hozier, if I ever go to your concert, I'm bringing a lucky rabbit's foot.

Update: I have discovered some information that proves my theory of Hozier being an evil wizard false! He is actually an evil witch doctor.

Apologies, Hozier. Here's a drawing of you as a modern day evil witch doctor about to put the hoodoo on someone. Likely on me or someone I know.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

The bottle didn't even have a star on it. lol.

Game of Pies

IS YOUR ASS READY FOR THE 

EPIC PIE-SPLOSIONS?!?!?!

Wine.

Aaah, a day of accomplishing adult tasks like purchasing new wiper blades, doing taxes, and talking to people.

Hot diggity I'm exhausted and it's not even 4!

To answer your question: No, I didn't actually chug a whole bottle of wine. It was only a glass... and a half.....yeah.

Buttface McHorsekisser

I checked my email this morning and saw I had a message from a woman who used to run a writing group near my humble abode. I thought "Oh, maybe she's trying to get the program up and running or she has a story she wants me to look at. Cool!"

In a way, I did get to edit a story.

I got this message. (Email and name (except David) have been photoshopped.)

.......

First off, Buttface McHorsekisser, you're a retard and I'm going to explain to you why.

The original owner of this email is from New England and a writer. I don't think she would ever start off a sentence with "We sorry for this emergency." It made me think of this:

That's a terrific way to start an urgent message, Buttface: By making someone feel like a racist.

And another thing, Buttface, I haven't emailed this person in almost two years now. Why in helling hell would they apologize for not telling me about their "urgent" trip to the Philippines? 

Because that's what I worry about when I'm on a trip. "Oh shit, forget that fact I left the stove on. We TOTALLY forgot to tell that girl from Florida who emailed me once that we were going on a trip so urgent, it'll make your butt sweat!"

What is so *uRgEnT* about a New England small town writer going to the Philippines? Did she need inspiration for the next big story? Is this the one that will hit it, like, J.K. Rowling big time? I aspire to such goals too, Buttface, but do you see me hopping on a plane to Norway to research my book? No, I use the internet and sit in Starbucks like every other poor person.

Moving on.

You say Everything was  fine until we were attacked... Why the extra space? Still shaken by the whole event?

Which makes me think of this:

quickmeme.com

We're already building quite the relationship here, Buttface. Not only did you make me feel like a racist, but now I'm under the false impression Makati is chock-full o' fire benders.

Kudos to David for being your knight in shining armor and protecting you from the "attack". Hope he makes a full recovery from his serious injury. Wait what was that you said??

I'm physically ok and fine

REDUNDANT. You don't have to use the word "physically" either. I totally picked it up in the first sentence that you're not mentally ok.

But David sustained little bruise

I'm gettin' that racist feeling again! Buttface, you're trying to pretend you're a friggin writer from goddamn America. Stop skipping the auxiliary verbs and articles.

It must be quite the bruise. David must make Jesse Pinkman look like a wimp. Did you detect sarcasm in that last sentence, Buttface? No, of course you didn't. You're not mentally ok. You're retarded.

You claim you lost pretty much everything and the kitchen sink.

We lost money

You didn't say you lost *all* your money.

Bank cards 

Why didn't you just call it your debit card? Now you're coming off as a scammer. A retarded scammer.

Mobile phone 

No one really calls it that anymore.

And our bag in the course of this attack.

Let's see, you just listed all the important stuff so I'm going to assume this bag of yours had shit in it like underwear and clothes.This attacker even took your clothes!??! That thieving little Grinch! I hope you at least got your can of Who Hash back!

Now, that was another joke, Buttface. I'm pointing them out to you so your retarded little brain can learn something today.

It sounds like this stalking cheetah of a thief found the little sick calf in the wildebeest herd.

Wait wait wait wait wait! I got a better drawing!

So if you lost everything, what did you use to send me this email, a toaster?! 

Ok, ok, the hotel probably has Wifi and computers you can use.

We urgently in need of  some money

There's that racist feeling again! And that damn extra space you like to slip in there!

Will pay back as soon as i get back home.

Somethin' tells me you don't call America your home, Buttface McHorsekisser. And your capitalization was fine up until this point.

Kindly let us know if you would be able to help us out so we can forward you the details...

AH YES! The ultimate question I have in all this! Why the flipping shitcakes would you contact me asking for money?!

"OMG I just got mugged and David is bruised. You know who could help us?! That girl from Florida I haven't talked to in two friggin years!"

If you could contact your damn bank, why don't you contact your friggin Mom? She can bail you out of this hot mess of a life, can't she?

And why is it always a Western Union in these things!?!?!? Way to give Western Union a bad name, Buttface. No one will want to open an account with them because of scamming fools like you. Their business is bruised worse than David. I hope you're happy.

Oh, and to answer your question, NO. I ain't sending you money. You're an idiot that allowed yourself to get mugged in the Philippines (IF THAT'S WHAT EVEN HAPPENED!). You can get your ass out of that mess by yourself. And when you do get it all sorted out, go back to school. Maybe then you'll get a career and stop hounding people-hating introverted hermits like me for money.

Good luck in your predicament, Buttface McHorsekisser. Hope you wake up with mud on your dick.

MIC DROP!

giphy.com

Moral of the story: NEVER send money via wire transfer just because some poor scuz-wank of a soul asks for it. They prey on kind-hearted people. Don't be the sick retarded wildebeest of the herd!

If anyone points out typos in my own writing and call me a hypocrite for judging people's poor grammar, I'll laugh and applaud. I'm very aware and proud of all my typos. They're like my little accident babies, though I didn't mean for them to be born, I still love them.

At least I don't type like Buttface McHorsekisser and make people feel racist.