Crappy Cartoon Theatre By Jirr Burns: Carnation Instant Breakfast Club

Happy belated National Russell Stover Day. I mean Valentine's Day.

I know it's a little late, but as promised I am posting last year's crappy cartoon regarding my feelings toward this festive day of love and roses. I guess you can consider me a Grinch when it comes to this day. I'm probably one out of millions who grit their teeth and bare it the minute stores throw up the heart shaped candy boxes, balloons, the stuffed animals that you press and they sing to you, wing-ting-tinglers, stuff-stoof-stubblers, and the works. And all the roses, roses, roses, ROSES, ROSES!

I used to love Valentine's Day way back in the day. Like second grade back in the day. It was and still is like a poor man's Halloween. I say that because all the candy you get is the shit you find at the bottom of your pillow case after you eat all the Snickers and Reese's cups. Does anyone actually enjoy those chalk flavored candy hearts? And I swear the lollipops have the same syrup they use in cough medicine-that weird, overly sweet orange or cherry flavor.

There is one thing I have always loved to get and that is this baby right here:

http://i.walmartimages.com/i/p/00/07/72/60/06/0007726006251_500X500.jpg

Whitman's isn't too bad either, but you gotta love the classic Russell Stover. It is the Russian roulette of chocolate. I'm the freak bitch that lives for the molasses chews. There's a map, sure, but where's the fun in that? You hide that sucker and pray that you just picked out a savory vanilla cream and not a fruit and nut caramel. Those little assholes are like midget fruitcakes. Then there's the game, "WTF is this flavor?". It usually happens when you pick out a fruit themed chocolate. One time I bit into a strawberry one and I initially thought it tasted like that bubblegum paste they use to clean your teeth at the dentist. I think it might be made with the same crap because you can spit all you want, but that flavor is going to stick to your gums for hours.

I think I've trailed off long enough. Without further adieu, here's is the story of why I dislike Valentine's Day.....

I can't even make this up. In middle school I had 2 friends because everyone else thought I was a lesbian that didn't brush my hair or shave my legs.... to clear things up, I was not and still am not a lesbian!... and shaving sucks. how come legs are so long?

I've used this term ever since watching "The Science of Sleep".

Of the thousands of MS Paint drawings I've done, this one is in the top 3 that make me crack up. It's that damn poodle hair man.

This is how high school based movies should be. Girl meets guy. Girl says screw it and has her own damn priorities. Such as donating all those sweaters to Goodwill and getting real pants.

And by year, I mean like 6 months....... I wasn't a math student.

And I still have that pass. It was never for a mural though.

This is a story within itself.

My french teacher hated me. She never spoke French in class so I'd never pay attention. But I still got A's! EAT IT! And that is also another story for another time.

This is a story in itself that only needs one panel: Me facepalming myself.

He was hanging on tight to his Nick Carter haircut from the 90s, but he pulled it off.

It was time I take some action.

I sucked at taking action. That is exactly what I wrote on that paper minus the names. It looked awful.

This hallway didn't believe in combination locks on the lockers. Hooray continuity!

Five flowers for Glen Coco. You go Glen Coco!

The stalked became the stalker.

That kid slept for 5 years in that seat. We called him "Rip". No, jk. I had to draw someone there.

Walkman was also going through a phase.

2/20/13: This is friggin hilarious. I'm in the middle of cleaning my room and I found one of my old journals back from '04-'05 and no joke, this is part of an entry from the day I found out he moved: "I'm sitting in my room watching "'Vanilla Sky' and listening to the Backstreet Boys album 'Millennium'."

I just about pissed myself laughing.

Meet Carl. Another story for another time. A very important one soon to come.

You can read about it here!

I hold onto the past tightly. Every little moment that causes the slightest amount of trauma sticks with me forever. Every little knickknack, every doodle scribbled in the margins of my notebooks, every song I love has a memory attached to it. I guess it's that Little Mermaid trait in me. "Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?!"

One of these things that trigger memories just happens to be a holiday. It's not as bad as it used to be because I am an adult that can drink now. I will admit there is still a hint of "Uugh. Oh yeah THAT TIME" when the day rolls around.

Everyone else can enjoy Valentine's Day wrapped in rose scented coitus down by the fire and eating heart shaped Tums. As for me, I'm happy spending the day loving myself and playing chocolate roulette.

Happy Belated Love Day all you sexy cucumbers. Stay cool and clear of fruitcake chocolate.