Story Time: Grocery Store

Warning: Does not contain cartoon people. 

On Monday I went to Stop n' Shop to buy food things for the week. I get to the checkout line and it turns into an adventure! By adventure I just mean an awkward encounter with a dumb ass.

I spent a good ten- fifteen minutes trying to locate the raisins so I'm a bit tired at this point and my pork chops are warming up.

Random grocery advice: Always save all meat and cold things for last.

I didn't think it would take that long to find raisins though. So I'm standing in line pondering which fool decided to move them next to the onions and potatoes in the produce section. Does anyone know where they usually keep the raisins? My guess at the time was with other fruity gumdrop snacks you'd pack for a school lunch. Never thought to brown bag a yam before, but now I do. Thanks, whoever moved the raisins to the worst section possible.

You know those people that bag your groceries? Well only one was working that early afternoon and she left the moment I got the last of my things on the belt.

I was taught that it's rude to make the cashier bag every single item for you, especially if you have enough in your cart to feed a tribe of Amazon warriors. Especially if there's a line behind you and only 2-3 registers are open. Such was the case that day.

So I go to the end and bag my shit up. My onions were already shedding all over the conveyor belt like douche bags. It was the least I could do to lessen the douchiness.

Imma pause here for one second and describe my own and the surrounding employee peoples' attire. I am in pale jeans, a baggy red jacket and sneakers with lime green shoelaces that a legally blind person can spot from across a room.

(That last bit is not even a joke. The last show I did tech for had a legally blind man playing a minister and even with all the stage lights on, he could see my laces in the audience.)

Meanwhile, the employees wear a uniform made up of black pants - sometimes khakis- a yellow shirt (purple if you're special) and little name tags. That uniform is also worn by the people bagging groceries.

So when this dude came up behind me saying "Um, excuse me?", I figured he was trying to get someone else's attention. But nooooo, I see from the corner of my eye he is, indeed, looking at me.

Man-dude: "Hey, I'm getting a tank of propane from outside the store. Do I need to buy it now or can I just leave it up front here somewhere?"

The first thing that popped into my head: "They sell propane here?"

#2 thought: "Who are you and do I need to hurt you?"

#3: "Why did you decide to approach me with this question?"

#4: The realization: "OH. You think I work here. You're an idiot."

All the while, I had this huge, dumbfounded look on my face which should have been the trigger for this guy to go "....oh do you work here? I'm sorry!" but NOPE. He just stood there waiting for an answer! Not like waiting for five minutes, but it was a few good seconds.

My brain finally wakes up and realizes I need to educate this man about my life and how my career choice was not to partake in the bagging industry. I politely say with a small chuckle, "Oh, I don't work here and I really have no idea what you should do."

Man-dude: "Oh. I thought you did because you were bagging groceries. I'm sorry!"

And he walks off.

He seemed really surprised and weirded out. The subtext of his response sounded a bit like "But you're a customer, why are you doing something they pay people here to do?!"

"Why? Because that person is over there at aisle 3 getting paid while I'm at aisle 9 and I want to leave as soon as possible!"

In that moment I wondered "Do customers not bag their own shit anymore? Even at the self checkout lines, they have people on duty to bag things for you. Is this a thing now?"

I was so lost in this thought that I nearly forgot my capers. (Which didn't really matter anyway because I learned that night capers burn really easily in a pan.)

Wheel of Morality time:

Do people still bag their own groceries or am I just performing a task that is now considered taboo in these modern, sloth-ridden times? I actually enjoy bagging my own stuff. I don't have to worry if the tomatoes are going to crush my loaf of bread or crack my eggs. I don't have to play the game "Where the fuck did my yogurt go and how come none of my cold things are together?" There's some order to it and makes putting all the shit away easier and quicker!

Moral (I guess): Don't be lazy. Bag you own stuff once in awhile if no one's there to do it for you. BABY.

The end.