Old and Crappy Stuff: Borderlands Drawings

Back when Skippy and I played Borderlands (the original game), I was going to draw a crap ton of stuff that we did. It was so long ago and the games have gotten so much better, I'm just posting what I got done. Just for the first game. I mean, right now in the new "Borderlands the Pre-Sequel", I'm a friggin annoying robot that bounces on a rubber duck and calls himself a gun wizard. I got plenty of material to work with still.

And when I went through these pictures I thought to myself "Huh, I think I draw less crappy now." I use shading and more colors now, not just what's in the default palette.

I'll show you. I made this in MS Paint fairly recently.

Now look at this stuff. Seriously, look at these landscapes. Weak sauce, dude.

I used to be horrible at driving the tank. Then I played GTA V and it's not as bad now. I guess Borderlands was what got me back into playing video games.

And I like my tanks to be pink and purple.

Dem rocks are looking mighty fine.

How we play Borderlands: I run around so the enemy chases me while Skippy shoots it.

Beer Tells A Story

Booty Salads.

That Time I Went As French Fries

So there was this one Halloween - I think it was 5th/6th gradeish - I dressed up as McDonalds fries and it was for a damn good reason.

This was the dawning of a new chapter in my life. A chapter every person goes through. Luckily it is a very short chapter. This took place in the first few pages of puberty.

Even the word sounds creepy, right? "Puberty" Can't we name it something a little nicer and cooler? Something our parents can tell the family that won't sound embarrassing? Like...

"Oh you should have seen my little Desmond in middle school. That's when he walked into Mordor." 

or like 

"His zombie-space-dinosaur mode flipped on."

My personal battle with zombie-space-dinosaur mode was like I fell right into the movie "Mean Girls". Every single girl turned into Regina George. They all dressed a little skankier and were even calling each other bitches and skanks. Everyone smelled like Love Spell. I swear there is a permanent pink fog in the girl's bathroom because EVERYONE and probably their mom had that shit. When I smell Love Spell, I think back to buying a carnation for Gustav in the girl's locker room my sophomore year.

My scent was eau de sharpie.

I'm drifting away from the subject. My main point is everyone was trying to act like an asshole adult while little eleven year old me still liked filling a rubber chicken up with Legos and whipping it around so it threw up.


......Actually that still makes me crack up. Who wouldn't like a Lego vomiting rubber chicken?!



 So during Halloween, no joke, this is what I heard from every single girl in my class.

I didn't want to be a dead lady like everyone else. I don't know, I tried to get into all the trends like yo-yos and slap bracelets when I was a kid, but the moment girls started telling me I needed to shave my legs, I just decided to do my own thing. I didn't want to be like everyone else, it just looked like too much work and not enough fun.

So that year I threw myself into a hulking french fry costume goddammit. Because I refused to conform! Did I feel stupid in it? Hell yes I did.

But looking back, I think it's pretty cool I went as McDonalds fries. It took guts. I had the stupidest haircut in all history back in middle school and that's ok too. They made me stand out then and they make excellent stories now. Homer's Odyssey is daisies and rainbows compared to what it's like to be a preteen in middle school.


Moral of the story: Embrace your weird little self. It's more fun.

Don't Feed A Goat Ice Cream Then Walk It Through A Haunted House

If you don't know about the Russian Sex Geckos that went into space, then you probably have a life outside of the internet, unlike myself.

For Bartolome de las Casas Day (because Christopher Columbus was an asshole), Skippy and I went to a haunted house/ mini carnival going on down the road. Tickets included access to their three haunted houses and a go around the brightest-ass ferris wheel ever constructed. Las Vegas glows like a candle compared to that bitch.

We decided to hit that first then walk through the houses. Getting on this thing gave us flashbacks to the Brazilian Spongebob Circus. 

I am for serious. I'm not sure what has more layers, a puff pastry or that prison with all of its barbed wire fences. You could trap a dinosaur in that mess.

I'm kind of glad the ferris wheel was brighter than the sun because it concealed all the flashing coming from our iphones as we snapped pictures of the hundred something inmates out in the yard. There was one guy lifting some giant weights.

Moving on. I'm going to teach you a very important lesson. If it is lower than 75' out, do not go outside immediately after eating ice cream.

I'm sure this happens to a lot of people, but when I eat ice cream, I shiver. My innards get all cold. Another thing I was not expecting it to do that particular night was give me a whopping case of the farts. Not high octane or anything, just heavily pressurized. On top of that, I was absolutely exhausted despite the frequent popping of the midol because, well, nature sucks.

So all of my systems are doing back flips and my gas baby's growing at rapid speed. There weren't too many people around since it was a Monday, so I let the trumpets get their solo whenever I could. 

Then we got in line for the last house.

You know how when you hold anything in, your body kind of crumples in itself? That was me in line. I am shivering from the ice cream, the dirty bubble is in my stomach just laughing at me and my knees are buckled.

To the scare-actors roaming the grounds, I had become their prey. They were the wolves and they found the sick goat.

I felt eyes watching me. These people were waiting for the moment to creep up and scream at the back of my head. What they did not realize is that my gland that produces all the fucks had to be shut down for the next hour or two.

I didn't say the Ford part.

He offered to cut Skippy open like a tauntaun so I could at least get lukewarm inside. I was ready to crawl into a hole and die so I was like "Yes. I'm game. Just do it."

He didn't. No balls.

After standing in line for an hour (because ???) I was feeling slightly better. It was odd how none of the other houses had lines except this one. Whatevs. I had time to release some pressure and I could actually stand upright when we got to the door.

Now, everyone has their own way of reacting to something that scares them. The common response is running. Some freeze up. Now me, I freeze. I don't call my reaction "deer in the headlights". No. I get goat legs.

I am a fainting goat when it comes to getting scared.

When I get scared, I just want to go to the ground.

Goat legs. It's a real problem.

It was fun though. I'd like to go back or find another haunted house to do when I'm feeling a little better. 

Mordor and Parsnips

My review of the PS4 game: Shadow of Mordor:

It'll make you feel like a homicidal maniac and the more you die, the harder it gets. All in all, I like the challenge. I think my favorite character is Ratbag so far. This happened about 5 minutes into the game:

I think it's actually spelled "Dushrat" but the above is how it's pronounced. Orcs have pretty weird names.

The gratin still turned out pretty good.