Previously on Crappy Cartoon Theatre: Ghosts and Glory Pt. 1
And so our adventure continues...
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
CCT Presents: Ghosts and Glory Pt. 3
Friday, December 8, 2017
Friday, December 1, 2017
Monday, July 10, 2017
Public Bathroom Yoga
Guys have their unspoken code to leave a courtesy gap between urinals and whatnot. I know, I saw it in action and God smited me for peeing in a men's bathroom in Disney World. But there is an issue in the women's restroom I'd like to address that no one seems to talk about. Either that or I just have the worst luck when it comes to public restrooms.
You know when you're waiting in line doing shaky giraffe legs....
And you get to the front and see way, way on the opposite end there's a stall wide open that no one is going into? The moment it comes into view, it's like your bladder threatens you make a run for it or it will blow right then and there.
So by the time you *attempt* to lock the door, you realize your mistake. You got the stall with the broke-ass door.
What to you do? Sacrifice your dignity and go for it? Do you walk out and cut another person about to head into the head?
Screw that! You made a decision and you commit to it! It's time to get creative!
When I find myself in this situation, which is more often than I wish, I do what I call, "Bathroom Yoga". There are a number of intricate poses one may strike to hold the door to one's best ability while playing the porcelain xylophone. And by a number, I know, like, 3. These are demonstrated below. (Illustrations kept tasteful; sans naked stick legs).
1. The Can-can
A moderately comfortable pose that only requires the lifting of the leg. Good for tall people/ people with legs for days. Does not deter from business. Always keep the knee slightly bent should a child or desperate adult attempt to shove through the door. Rating: 8/10.
2. The Goku
An advanced pose, extending both arms as close to the busted door as possible. Becomes uncomfortable within seconds if not in shape and/or sober as this pose lifts one's posterior slightly away from the seat to cover more distance. May cause shaky thighs and/or abs. Rating: 6/10.
3. The Cupid Statue
Not at all comfortable or effective. I don't know what I was thinking when I tried this. Quickly reverted to Can-can pose. Rating: 1/10
Note: This only works in tight quarters. If you're in a bathroom where the door is not within reach, either have a body guard stand outside or just pray.
Or scream really loud.
There you have it, Bathroom Yoga. And imagine us ladies trying this in heels, pants down... or skirt bunched up in our stomach rolls so it doesn't fall into the toilet. And sometimes you get that seat that's got the mystery damp on it so you gotta hover and your legs start to shake. It's quite the talent and takes years of practice.
Has there ever been a time you had to fold yourself into a weird position in a public bathroom? Maybe perched on top of it like a gargoyle because you were in an intense game of "The Floor is Lava"? ....No? That was just me?
Be sure to leave a comment and like and share this post on Facebook. And stay tuned for more weird stories about my life you probably don't need to know about!
Stay cool, cucumbers.
You know when you're waiting in line doing shaky giraffe legs....
And you get to the front and see way, way on the opposite end there's a stall wide open that no one is going into? The moment it comes into view, it's like your bladder threatens you make a run for it or it will blow right then and there.
So by the time you *attempt* to lock the door, you realize your mistake. You got the stall with the broke-ass door.
What to you do? Sacrifice your dignity and go for it? Do you walk out and cut another person about to head into the head?
Screw that! You made a decision and you commit to it! It's time to get creative!
When I find myself in this situation, which is more often than I wish, I do what I call, "Bathroom Yoga". There are a number of intricate poses one may strike to hold the door to one's best ability while playing the porcelain xylophone. And by a number, I know, like, 3. These are demonstrated below. (Illustrations kept tasteful; sans naked stick legs).
1. The Can-can
A moderately comfortable pose that only requires the lifting of the leg. Good for tall people/ people with legs for days. Does not deter from business. Always keep the knee slightly bent should a child or desperate adult attempt to shove through the door. Rating: 8/10.
2. The Goku
An advanced pose, extending both arms as close to the busted door as possible. Becomes uncomfortable within seconds if not in shape and/or sober as this pose lifts one's posterior slightly away from the seat to cover more distance. May cause shaky thighs and/or abs. Rating: 6/10.
3. The Cupid Statue
Not at all comfortable or effective. I don't know what I was thinking when I tried this. Quickly reverted to Can-can pose. Rating: 1/10
Note: This only works in tight quarters. If you're in a bathroom where the door is not within reach, either have a body guard stand outside or just pray.
Or scream really loud.
There you have it, Bathroom Yoga. And imagine us ladies trying this in heels, pants down... or skirt bunched up in our stomach rolls so it doesn't fall into the toilet. And sometimes you get that seat that's got the mystery damp on it so you gotta hover and your legs start to shake. It's quite the talent and takes years of practice.
Has there ever been a time you had to fold yourself into a weird position in a public bathroom? Maybe perched on top of it like a gargoyle because you were in an intense game of "The Floor is Lava"? ....No? That was just me?
Be sure to leave a comment and like and share this post on Facebook. And stay tuned for more weird stories about my life you probably don't need to know about!
Stay cool, cucumbers.
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Crash Course In Crap
HELLO!
If this is your first time visiting this site, you probably
have questions.
Where am I?
What the hell is an Oedipus and why does it have no eyes?
Why are there talking objects, is this some cracked out retelling of Beauty and
the Beast?
I can explain.
Oedipus:
It began in my college theater class when we were reading
the Greek tragedy Oedipus Rex (pronounced EH-duh-piss. My professor
loved saying “EEEEEE-DOH-PUSS!” but that sounded a little too sexual.) The play
in a nutshell: Oedipus kills his dad, marries his mom, but then they all find
out so his mom kills herself and he stabs his eyes out. Yes, he is the original
motherfucker.
I was always a doodler in school and on one particularly
boring day, I drew this…
My friends thought it was funny so I drew more pictures.
Yes, that is the Cloverfield Monster.
The more I drew, the more I shied away from Oedipus's tragic past. Now he enjoys baking and is like the grouchy uncle of the family.
Walkman, Beer, and Boogie Man:
The Song Walkman came into my life in 2001 and it still works today. I brought it to school with me and listened to Cirque du Soleil soundtracks while I painted in art class, I fell asleep and crushed too many headphones to count. A lot of inspiration came from that thing and I don't know what I'd do without it.
The Crappy Cartoon drawings evolved into a primitive sort of comic strip and by that I mean Facebook albums but later moved them to this site. Early include...
Tales of the Personal Space Monster
and
Crappy Cartoon Presents: Murder Forest
You can tell there have been improvements over the years.
Beer and Walkman first appeared in Zed Closing, in which I expressed my feelings regarding Cirque du Soleil closing a very popular show. I was a bit of a Cirque nut back then.
The Boogie Man made his debut in Why I Always Corked It At Night. Our living room had this nook that went to the front door and I was afraid to look in at night because I thought a monster would come out and grab me.
He later appeared in Boogie Man Nights and that kind of helped me get over my irrational fear of the dark. The trick is to give your monsters life and give it a blankie to snuggle. Although Large Marge still scares the shit out of me.
Walkman, Beer, and Boogie Man:
The Song Walkman came into my life in 2001 and it still works today. I brought it to school with me and listened to Cirque du Soleil soundtracks while I painted in art class, I fell asleep and crushed too many headphones to count. A lot of inspiration came from that thing and I don't know what I'd do without it.
The Crappy Cartoon drawings evolved into a primitive sort of comic strip and by that I mean Facebook albums but later moved them to this site. Early include...
Tales of the Personal Space Monster
and
Crappy Cartoon Presents: Murder Forest
You can tell there have been improvements over the years.
Beer and Walkman first appeared in Zed Closing, in which I expressed my feelings regarding Cirque du Soleil closing a very popular show. I was a bit of a Cirque nut back then.
The Boogie Man made his debut in Why I Always Corked It At Night. Our living room had this nook that went to the front door and I was afraid to look in at night because I thought a monster would come out and grab me.
He later appeared in Boogie Man Nights and that kind of helped me get over my irrational fear of the dark. The trick is to give your monsters life and give it a blankie to snuggle. Although Large Marge still scares the shit out of me.
Christmas Comics:
My personal Christmas tradition, these are the posts where I go all out. I think to myself "Ok, how am I going to one-up myself this year?" Sometimes I'll start brainstorming as early as New Year's Day. These stories are inspired by movies, shows, books, songs, whatever is popular and it can be Christmas or non-Christmas stuff. If you're in a festive mood or it happens to be the most wonderful time of the year, feel free to explore the Christmas Collection below and see how they have grown crazier and crazier over the years.
Knishmas (2011 References Polar Express and A Christmas Story)
The Arctic C-Train (2012 Polar Express, A Year Without A Santa Claus)
It's the Great Ak, Oedipus Rex! (2013 Charlie Brown, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, Father Nogmas, the Patron Saint of Drinking, is born)
Captain Oedipus and the West Pole (2014 The Nutcracker)
Among the Goats of Christmas Eve (2015 Home Alone, Snow Miser becomes scary)
Troll of the Ancient Yuletide Carol (2016 Heavily inspired by Labyrinth)
Halloween is another one I try to create a bigger story, but the Christmas ones can get so ridiculously long, I don't have time for it.
I think that about covers it. Hope you've enjoyed this crash course and this clears up some of the weirdness you'll see in these parts.
If you have any other questions or comments, email me at:
Crappycartoontheater@gmail.com
^ The E and R in "Theater" are in proper order and not that fancy order we *theatre nerds* like to use.
Stay cool, cucumbers!
*This post subject to editing should questions arise
Monday, July 3, 2017
Retail and The Vampire of Despair
It has been about three weeks since I got a job in retail
(yet again). I was surprised how quickly they responded, having submitted my
application out of sheer desperation to feel like a productive member of society and save up money for Christmas presents. Maybe dye my hair rose
gold. Skippy isn’t too fond of the idea.
I think it’ll look badass.
The application was sent on a drunken whim and less than twenty-four
hours later I got a call asking if I could come in for an interview. I arrived about ten minutes before the meeting time and there were three-maybe four other people waiting by the registers. They were dressed to impress whereas I ran my fingers through my hair to get the knots out and said that was good enough.
Turns out a bunch of people just up and left (WEE WOO RED ALERT!) and they needed people to help them move and set up their new, larger store a door over.
And yes, I've been hired on the spot. It's actually really easy to do. All you need is to plaster a shit-eating grin on your face. Two: Assume the pangolin position...
I’ve also heard the term “Kindly brontosaurus” for the pose.
Third: if you really want the job, before the interview is over, you ask them if there is any reason they wouldn't hire you. This sometimes throws them off, but it gives you a chance to clear the air and boost your potential employer's confidence in their decision (which is usually them hiring you).
We gave our availability and things kind of got awkward when it got to me.
Me: "I have family coming in next week"
Everyone: (Slowly turns their heads and judges me silently like it's the second grade)
Interview Lady: "Well, can they work around your schedule?"
Me: I'd prefer if you work around my schedule.
Actually Me: "I guess?"
I wish I was a more assertive person and had the balls to say "No" in the work environment.
They first scheduled me for just two morning shifts the following week. I figured since I'm new and they didn't have time to train much, they'd keep our workload light. BAHAHA in my dreams. I checked the schedule a few days later to write down the hours on my calendar and saw they added more shifts, one being nine hours long. (BIG BLARING SIREN #2!)
Ok, I'd get through this. Just suck it up and get the job done. Besides, I wouldn't be dealing with idiot customers anyway. We'd just be unboxing product and setting up the new space. I've done jobs like that before in my old store and time would fly by fast.
But oh, stupid me, I forgot this wasn't the northeast where people hauled ass and got shit done. Pardon my French, but this was Southern Mother Fucking California. I'm sorry any readers from California, but y'all need an attitude adjustment.
I tried to be helpful but it was a waste of time. So I spent nine hours moving things on shelves slightly to the left and taking out the garbage.
By the end of the week, we got the computers running and the schedule for next week was printed out. Mine looked like this...
Really?
By the weekend I was emotionally dead inside.
It was the Fall of 2015 all over again. The reason I quit the first time was my anxiety was through the roof. I was getting chest pains and stomachaches, I had bad dreams about the store (when I could sleep that is), and I lost my motivation to do anything. I could feel it and I had to get out of there before it got that bad again. Just the idea of walking into that place stresses me out to the point I want to throw up.
But then there's the voice from that dark cloud looming around me, the one that disguises itself as a voice of reason. It told me how I was going to disappoint people by quitting again. That I'm too sensitive, too shy, too crazy to be able to function in the real world.
But the reality is I just got through a seven month deployment so I can't be weak. I put myself out there and made friends so I can't be that shy. I took care of the house and paid the bills while Skippy was gone so I'm not worthless. I flew to Hawaii, a place I've never been too BY MYSELF. I drove on city highways multiple times a week even though it made me nervous every damn time.
Not everyone is cut out to work in retail and that's ok.
So the job hunt continues. I tried driving for UberEATS, but there's no way I can live on $5 a day. Maybe dog walking?
Also, what do guys think of Crappy Cartoon bumper stickers? Any requests?
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Homecoming
A lot can happen during a 7 month deployment. New stuff, new home, your bird turning into a cyborg. Find out what happened later in the year....
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