Retail and The Vampire of Despair

It has been about three weeks since I got a job in retail (yet again). I was surprised how quickly they responded, having submitted my application out of sheer desperation to feel like a productive member of society and save up money for Christmas presents. Maybe dye my hair rose gold. Skippy isn’t too fond of the idea.

I think it’ll look badass.

The application was sent on a drunken whim and less than twenty-four hours later I got a call asking if I could come in for an interview. I arrived about ten minutes before the meeting time and there were three-maybe four other people waiting by the registers. They were dressed to impress whereas I ran my fingers through my hair to get the knots out and said that was good enough.

Turns out a bunch of people just up and left (WEE WOO RED ALERT!) and they needed people to help them move and set up their new, larger store a door over.

And yes, I've been hired on the spot. It's actually really easy to do. All you need is to plaster a shit-eating grin on your face. Two: Assume the pangolin position...

I’ve also heard the term “Kindly brontosaurus” for the pose.

Third: if you really want the job, before the interview is over, you ask them if there is any reason they wouldn't hire you. This sometimes throws them off, but it gives you a chance to clear the air and boost your potential employer's confidence in their decision (which is usually them hiring you).

We gave our availability and things kind of got awkward when it got to me.

Me: "I have family coming in next week"

Everyone: (Slowly turns their heads and judges me silently like it's the second grade)

Interview Lady: "Well, can they work around your schedule?"

Me: I'd prefer if you work around my schedule.

Actually Me: "I guess?"

I wish I was a more assertive person and had the balls to say "No" in the work environment.

They first scheduled me for just two morning shifts the following week. I figured since I'm new and they didn't have time to train much, they'd keep our workload light. BAHAHA in my dreams. I checked the schedule a few days later to write down the hours on my calendar and saw they added more shifts, one being nine hours long. (BIG BLARING SIREN #2!)

Ok, I'd get through this. Just suck it up and get the job done. Besides, I wouldn't be dealing with idiot customers anyway. We'd just be unboxing product and setting up the new space. I've done jobs like that before in my old store and time would fly by fast.

But oh, stupid me, I forgot this wasn't the northeast where people hauled ass and got shit done. Pardon my French, but this was Southern Mother Fucking California. I'm sorry any readers from California, but y'all need an attitude adjustment.

I tried to be helpful but it was a waste of time. So I spent nine hours moving things on shelves slightly to the left and taking out the garbage. 

By the end of the week, we got the computers running and the schedule for next week was printed out. Mine looked like this...

Really?

By the weekend I was emotionally dead inside.

It was the Fall of 2015 all over again. The reason I quit the first time was my anxiety was through the roof. I was getting chest pains and stomachaches, I had bad dreams about the store (when I could sleep that is), and I lost my motivation to do anything. I could feel it and I had to get out of there before it got that bad again. Just the idea of walking into that place stresses me out to the point I want to throw up.

But then there's the voice from that dark cloud looming around me, the one that disguises itself as a voice of reason. It told me how I was going to disappoint people by quitting again. That I'm too sensitive, too shy, too crazy to be able to function in the real world.

But the reality is I just got through a seven month deployment so I can't be weak. I put myself out there and made friends so I can't be that shy. I took care of the house and paid the bills while Skippy was gone so I'm not worthless. I flew to Hawaii, a place I've never been too BY MYSELF. I drove on city highways multiple times a week even though it made me nervous every damn time.

Not everyone is cut out to work in retail and that's ok.

So the job hunt continues. I tried driving for UberEATS, but there's no way I can live on $5 a day. Maybe dog walking?

Also, what do guys think of Crappy Cartoon bumper stickers? Any requests?