Public Bathroom Yoga

Guys have their unspoken code to leave a courtesy gap between urinals and whatnot. I know, I saw it in action and God smited me for peeing in a men's bathroom in Disney World. But there is an issue in the women's restroom I'd like to address that no one seems to talk about. Either that or I just have the worst luck when it comes to public restrooms.

You know when you're waiting in line doing shaky giraffe legs....

And you get to the front and see way, way on the opposite end there's a stall wide open that no one is going into? The moment it comes into view, it's like your bladder threatens you make a run for it or it will blow right then and there.

So by the time you *attempt* to lock the door, you realize your mistake. You got the stall with the broke-ass door.

What to you do? Sacrifice your dignity and go for it? Do you walk out and cut another person about to head into the head?

Screw that! You made a decision and you commit to it! It's time to get creative!

When I find myself in this situation, which is more often than I wish, I do what I call, "Bathroom Yoga". There are a number of intricate poses one may strike to hold the door to one's best ability while playing the porcelain xylophone. And by a number, I know, like, 3. These are demonstrated below. (Illustrations kept tasteful; sans naked stick legs).

1. The Can-can

A moderately comfortable pose that only requires the lifting of the leg. Good for tall people/ people with legs for days. Does not deter from business. Always keep the knee slightly bent should a child or desperate adult attempt to shove through the door. Rating: 8/10.

2. The Goku

An advanced pose, extending both arms as close to the busted door as possible. Becomes uncomfortable within seconds if not in shape and/or sober as this pose lifts one's posterior slightly away from the seat to cover more distance. May cause shaky thighs and/or abs. Rating: 6/10.

3. The Cupid Statue

Not at all comfortable or effective. I don't know what I was thinking when I tried this. Quickly reverted to Can-can pose. Rating: 1/10

Note: This only works in tight quarters. If you're in a bathroom where the door is not within reach, either have a body guard stand outside or just pray.

Or scream really loud.

There you have it, Bathroom Yoga. And imagine us ladies trying this in heels, pants down... or skirt bunched up in our stomach rolls so it doesn't fall into the toilet. And sometimes you get that seat that's got the mystery damp on it so you gotta hover and your legs start to shake. It's quite the talent and takes years of practice.

Has there ever been a time you had to fold yourself into a weird position in a public bathroom? Maybe perched on top of it like a gargoyle because you were in an intense game of "The Floor is Lava"? ....No? That was just me?

Be sure to leave a comment and like and share this post on Facebook. And stay tuned for more weird stories about my life you probably don't need to know about!

Stay cool, cucumbers.