Cthulhu Went Up To Providence Looking For A Ballerina To Eat

I saw some weird shit and a gargoyle wanted me. I without a doubt fried the coke though. (Not to be confused with Nuking the fridge or jumping the shark)

Skippy worked all day and I wrote a chapter for my novel. Meaning no one made dinner. We decided to just drive around and find a random restaurant that was open. We ended up in Providence.


We found a garage to park in and figured we'd just walk around and find a place. On the way out we saw this:

When we emerged from the parking basement, there were TONS of people along the river. The population was to Epcot proportions. I was looking for a barge or maybe an exploding LED TV Fire Rocket Spinning Globe. That's when I figured out "Oooooooh WaterFire must be happening tonight."

They have this event called WaterFire where they light 80 bonfires in the basin next to the mall. There's music, performers, people selling glow sticks; it's an all around cool event to go hang out at with your buds or have a nice romantic night out with your significant other. I've never been to it, but was mucho excited.

Like everything else in my life, it wasn't like that. It was weird and I inhaled too much gas fumes that I can still kind of taste in the back of my throat.




The sun was just starting to set so we had some time to kill. I figured "Perfect. We find a place to get dinner, hang out and walk along the river, it'll be a nice night out."

We put in our names for P.F. Changs because we never tried it before. While we waited, we made like emo kids and sat in a corner of a mall eating Auntie Anne's pretzel bites. 

We were right next to a huge window on the top floor overlooking the basin- great view for WaterFire. And then-

I mean really, they were just igniting the basin. Either some neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie pulled an alarm or the system is THAT sensitive and picking up the smoke slowly wafting from the crackling embers about 1,000 feet across the street and down the hill. Either way, it was balls.

We heard an announcement but no one knew what it said, it was so muffled and couldn't hear it over the hipster screams. Skippy was like:

And then:

Fast forward a little: P.F. Chang's called saying our table was ready, we ate, Pad Thai was delicious, we left and battled the crowds to get a good spot to chill at WaterFire.

Then it started getting weird.

There were little motorboats carrying these creatures. We overheard one lady say "yeah, they make their own costumes and blaah...." I heard there was entertainment but I thought it was just going to be the fire twirlers, weirdo bands playing Celtic/Medieval ditties on their rain sticks, and some modern dancers performing to it. 

Yeah, that happened.

Nope! We got a freaky boat parade which included:

He judged me with his red finger nail.

Kiss the blaaagahrgaaagh.

A procession of  torch wielding people lead around the basin by the very tall Mr. Boney Pants Guy. They stopped at the stage area where even more beastly things were gathered and one guy started chanting. 

I have no idea what the words were at the time, but I heard the distinct name, "Cthulhu". That's when I turned to Skippy and was like-

We got a little closer to the stage. It was getting pretty crowded. I had to sport a Singin' In The Rain for a good view.

Then IT arrived.

Cthulhu was carried in like Baratheon with a prized boar. The music kicked up. The monster people were all-

King Squid-Hat: Rise Cthulu! Arise!

Oh Cthulhu rose, but barely! They couldn't erect his heavy bulbous noggin up and a bunch of creatures had to stand behind him holding his back up.

There were a couple dancers that performed earlier and they were all showed up into the great Cthulhu's tent body.

I guess that was the sacrifice scene. Thank god I wasn't chosen. 

Then music played and..... well it was just interpretive dancing and bobble head Cthulhu from there.

There was some delayed applause because, well, confusion. Skippy and I took off in hopes to beat traffic. But we got one last parting gift.

There were like 50 of them marching down the street.

I went home. Feeling different.

So what have we learned? Ummm.....

Respect the Blaaaragaarghaaaaargh.