You Meet Some Weird People At The Laundromat.

EXPOSITION!

So the place I live at has a laundry facility and they have a PRINTER for a dryer. As in it was sent from hell and doesn't like doing it's one job God gracefully bestowed upon it so it could walk this earth.

This dryer is worse than what I had to put up with in college and that is saying things...

While I'm glad the washer doesn't go all Jumanji and pee on the floor, the dryer is the opposite side of the coin. It has only two results for me.....

1. Still dripping wet.

2. Smells burnt.

All of my jeans have this odd mold/burnt smell to it that all the dryer sheets and Febreze in the world couldn't kill.

http://www.drbeasleys.com

THE SMEEEEELLL!!!!

Last weekend I attempted the dryer and after THREE HOURS spinning and spinning and spinning on high friggin heat, everything was still damp as balls.

ACTUAL STORY!

So on Saturday I had to drive to the closest laundromat and wash my clothes again. The smell wasn't too bad the next day, but it was there nonetheless.

This was a pretty nice place. Just a bunch of middle aged people minding their own business, reading their books, and munchin' on their Milky Ways. The doors are wide open, there is a nice breeze- it's a nice day.

But there's always that one weirdo. We're going to call this one Juicy Pink Sweatpants. Juicy for short.

So I'm sitting at the front of the room reading Game of Thrones because I need a fix, and this done strolls in....

You know how you can tell when you can spot the virgin Starbucks customer walk in and look around getting the lay of the land? That was the look she had. Judging by what she was wearing, I'm not sure if she even knew how to do laundry. But alas, she identified the washer, threw her drippy clothes in and whabam.

Then she engaged in conversation with this poor, unfortunate soul.

She got so angry!

I'm pretty sure she's talking about the one that's in the town over and it's been closed since March.

I was like "NOPE!" so I skedaddled.

*This is what I assume

I've dealt with some crazies before, but ain't nobody got time fo the Angry Crazies, especially when it says "JUICY" on their butt.

But the dude kept his cool. He suggested a few other places- I'm shocked Goodwill wasn't one of them- and she left. All was calm again.

Then Juicy came back. Here I am finishing up and folding my crap. I'm very happy. My clothes don't smell burnt. They are dry. Florence and the Machine is on the radio.

Suddenly a chill curls up my spine. It penetrates my brain and I hear the faint whisper deep within me, "Do not turn around. Do not make eye contact."

She was right behind me and she was on the hunt!

I went into statue mode.

I don't know what compelled her- maybe illiteracy- but she put her clothes in not one broken dryer, but two! Her procedure was 1. Throw everything in. 2. Read sign. 3. Get angry. 4.Repeat.

See what I did with the smiley faces?! It's like censoring but not!

I think she was trying to get my attention by not piping the eff down but I ignored it. I was ready for her to tap me or something. If that were to happen, I would have gone into crazy mode.

Because how do you make a crazy person stop bothering you? Well, you can either make the face:

And/or combine it with acting crazier than them! I was going to throw my hair tie off and be like:

You got lucky, Juicy.

After some trial and error, she did find a working dryer and I booked it out of there. I didn't want to find out if she was going to stick around. I was not in the mood for Vending Machine Snack Time Talk Show where we'd learn her sad life story and the special detergent she uses to get the cat smell out.

So what did we learn? If someone is ever bothering you, you can always start naming ancient theatrical devices the Greeks invented.